Hurt, Sadness, Pain?

Okay...
Very recently like in the last two weeks I've felt my life falling apart. A little part of my life falling off each day. You want to know why?
I couldn't say.
Did I do something to piss of Karma?
I don't know.
But, me. I keep my emotions bottled-up. I don't let anyone know what I'm feeling unless I'm hyper. Usually I just reply with a sharp retort and harsh sarcasm. I've even noticed I've been doing that with my family! AND PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
I hate myself.
I hate myself 'cause I'm treating people horrible now. I don't know what happened to me. I used to be only midly sarcastic! NOW I'M MEAN!
I am disappointed in myself and honestly sometimes I think I shouldn't exist. Like without my existance, the world would be better.
I've been so sad and hurt lately. I mean the guy I liked is flirting with other girls and he still acts like he likes me and I just don't get it! And the other guy I thought I liked... well I haven't seen him for a few years yet I still like him.
And that reminded me of my grandma since my grandma used to take me to the states and he was there. The reason I met him was because of my grandma. I miss her sooo much and I can't believe I've forgotten about her! Maybe that's why my life is miserable.
Karma is punishing me for not caring about my lost ones.
I honestly believe I've changed.
I'm no longer the kind and caring and passionate Alado. I'm not the depressed, sarcastic, rude, and mean Alado.
One of my best guy friend's noticed this when I was commenting on his status on facebook. I MADE A RACIST REMARK AND IT CAME NATURALLY TO ME!
He didn't care, I pointed it out, and he agreed yet he said I was a nice, great friend and I shouldn't listen to anybody.
Liar.
I know what I said and I know I'm a horrible person.
BUT! Don't worry! I'm not going to become emo and cut myself or think of suicide.
That's not me nor ever will be!
Nor will I give into drugs. I will prove everyone wrong! That not all natives smoke weed!
That is another thing that has torn me apart.
Drugs.
I know so many people.
My friends. My loved ones. People I trust.
I'm not even crying when I would've been normally at all these memories and things about my life.
I didn't know it was this dark and wretched. I only feel hurt, or numbness.
Maybe I should just leave.
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere were I can hurt people.
Honestly...
Why?