You wanna know how I'm feeling?
Relieved.
My bad attitude, my rudeness, my sarcasm. Everything. I found the reason why I am so badly emotioned.
My father.
I was watching the Bachelor, 'cause it's 12:44am and I think it's the season 11, first episode and the bachelor guy, Brad was talking about how he was commitment-phobic and he went to see a therapist and the reason was, because he never saw his father.
Exact words:
"I found an incredible therapist and we really analyzed the reasons behind my phobia of commitment, definitely have trust issues. We talked about how my father wasn't around much at all, my father let me down more times than I can count, and hell yes it makes me closed off because that hurts. I don't know if I've ever let someone know the real me because when I give my all to somebody and I'm let down, I revert back to that feeling of when my father told me he was going to pick my brother and I up for a day out and I didn't hear from him for 5 years. I've realized that the majority of my life I've been a very, very closed of individual, only because I want to push people away before they can hurt me and it's such a sad way to live. All that 'tough guy' stuff is just a fisaude and it took a lot of therapy and it look a lot of time but I've learned that the only way I'm only going to truly fall in love is to be vulnerable, to open up my heart."
That is
exactly what is wrong with me.
My father left when I was 3 years old. I never spoke to him for
10 years! He finally got up the nerve to call for me and my brother, he asked if we wanted to spend the day with him, to get to catch up on the years we missed together, and than... he didn't phone back, he didn't message us, he didn't get us. I was let down. Crushed. Angry. Upset. There were too many emotions for me to handle I completely closed myself off. 2 years later he added me on facebook and he messages me from time to time saying Happy St. Patrick's Day, or Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, but not
once did he ask how I've been, or ask if I was ever angry at him. He's an idiot and I legit don't care about him AT ALL. He's not my father. I don't even call him 'Dad'. I call him by his first name, my twin brother on the other hand is always trying to talk to him, trying to get him to notice him. I kind of feel sorry, because my brother's hopes are always so high when he talks to...
him and he's always let down.
It actually breaks my heart to actually see his name.
Am I hurt?
Yes.
Do I wish I could close myself off from everybody?
Yes.
But I won't anymore. I will tell my mom I want to see a therapist so I can let myself out of this closet called hell.
For you who don't understand how upset I am at the moment, don't understand me. But I don't blame you, you've never known the real me. No one has. Not even my own mother.
It's time for a change.
I won't let my dad into my life at all. If he messages me or calls me I won't answer.
My real dad, isn't a dad. My step dad, who my mom separated with, is my one and only dad.
He is the only father figure in my eyes. He hasn't ever left me and he calls me every week and I see him whenever I can.
This little post has finally opened me up. For once in what seems like months, have I cried. I
hate my father for doing this too me. For making me a closed off person, for turning me into a cold hearted girl. Not anymore....
Episode of the Bachelor:
http://www.megavideo.com/?d=D6LV2BAB
3:01-4:14